Under Siege (1992)


Under Siege Quote: “My name is Jordan Tate. I’m Miss July ’89. I was hired to jump out of the cake, but I got really airsick on the way over here so this guy gave me these pills and I don’t know what happened, and I guess I fell asleep.” – Jordan Tate

Everyone has that phase they’d rather not talk about. For some, it’s when they wore JNCO jeans. For others, it’s when they thought that two-tone ska tattoo was a good idea; or when dating skaters seemed cool.

If the 1990s were a woman, Steven Seagal would be the phase she wishes she could forget.

But we’re braver than that, so we’re diving into his best work, “Under Siege,” to see if there’s anything we can salvage from the murky depths of bad action flicks.

Big D, Roger Roeper, and Gene Lyons also cover masturbating to Cher, stealing tags from lingerie, Gary Busey’s magnificent insanity, proper bomb-making, proper accent usage, and improper ways to treat young actresses.

Ponytails, a peacetime military, horrid costuming, and the worst Navy Seals since Panama are pitted against hilarious one-liners, charming Tommy Lee Jones, and bizarre fight sequences in this clear “Die Hard” ripoff.

Seagal sucks at fighting, movie posters, and telling the truth, but we can’t entirely hate him. Find out why in this swashbuckling edition of Shat the Movies, and stay tuned for a super sexy Shatout from Gene.

Plot Summary: “Under Siege” A heroic loner (Steven Seagal) takes on a group of nuclear terrorists in this seagoing yarn. Posing as a rock band, the terrorists (including Tommy Lee Jones) get themselves hired for a party aboard the USS Missouri, a battleship en route to Pearl Harbor for decommissioning. They plan to steal the ship’s nuclear arsenal but haven’t reckoned on the intervention of the ship’s chef, a decorated former Navy SEAL.

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